While empathizing with the victims of bullying comes naturally to most of us, this article, originally posted on Parentella.com, shows how understanding the roots of a bully's rage can benefit us all:
Empathy for the Bully?
My Baby Clothes Boutique has partnered with me to provide articles to the parenting community. Check out their site the next time you need adorable baby clothes, photo perfect baby headbands, or even just a cute baby hat for Spring. They have everything you need!
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bullying. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Top Children's Book Choices for No Name-Calling Week, Jan. 24-28th, 2011
No Name-Calling Week will be celebrated in schools all over the United States during the week of January 24th-28th. As teachers and counselors plan group activities and discussions around this important theme, you can emphasize the same message at home with these great children’s and tweenage reads:
Jungle Bullies by Steven Kroll
Jungle Bullies is a picture book for preschoolers that uses rhyme and repetition to share important messages about standing up for yourself and learning to share. With engaging, child-friendly illustrations and inviting jungle animal characters, this is a great choice for introducing concepts about friendship and bullying to the youngest readers.
Chester Raccoon and the Big Bad Bully by Audrey Penn
When I saw this book on the bookstore end cap, I had to reach for it right away. Penn’s The Kissing Hand has always been one of my favorite tales (to this day, my five-year old, inspired by the book, still draws hearts on her palm whenever she is missing someone) so I knew I’d want to check out whatever Penn had written.
I have to admit that in my first read of the book, I wondered if this tale about turning a bully into a pal might be too simplistic and unrealistic of a message for young kids dealing with a troublesome bullying situation. I stand firm on this first impression, but also give weight to my thoughts after a second read, which are that teaching children to extend a hand of friendship is always a positive message and good initial strategy for approaching relationships. These varied reactions are exactly what make this book a good read for young children and a great discussion starter at home.
My Secret Bully by Trudi Ludwig
My Secret Bully, written for tween readers, lifts the lid off of the hidden culture of relational aggression, otherwise known as girl bullying. It tells the story of Monica and Katie—two girls who have been friends since Kindergarten, but who now are facing a rift in their relationship, as Katie begins to exclude and embarrass her former friend in front of their other classmates. In tackling this painful subject of the ways in which some girls use relationships as weapons, Ludwig provides an accurate and not-often-addressed portrait of a young girl’s anguish at the hands of a frenemy. My Secret Bully is not a light-hearted portrayal of bullying, nor does it offer pat answers. But it does address an important issue in the lives of upper elementary and middle school-aged girls and can serve as a great springboard for discussions with parents.
For more information, suggested resources, and additional discussion ideas, please visit the No Name-Calling Week website.
This blog article was first posted on 3 P's in a Pod on 1/13/11.
Jungle Bullies by Steven Kroll
Jungle Bullies is a picture book for preschoolers that uses rhyme and repetition to share important messages about standing up for yourself and learning to share. With engaging, child-friendly illustrations and inviting jungle animal characters, this is a great choice for introducing concepts about friendship and bullying to the youngest readers.
Chester Raccoon and the Big Bad Bully by Audrey Penn
When I saw this book on the bookstore end cap, I had to reach for it right away. Penn’s The Kissing Hand has always been one of my favorite tales (to this day, my five-year old, inspired by the book, still draws hearts on her palm whenever she is missing someone) so I knew I’d want to check out whatever Penn had written.
I have to admit that in my first read of the book, I wondered if this tale about turning a bully into a pal might be too simplistic and unrealistic of a message for young kids dealing with a troublesome bullying situation. I stand firm on this first impression, but also give weight to my thoughts after a second read, which are that teaching children to extend a hand of friendship is always a positive message and good initial strategy for approaching relationships. These varied reactions are exactly what make this book a good read for young children and a great discussion starter at home.
My Secret Bully by Trudi Ludwig
My Secret Bully, written for tween readers, lifts the lid off of the hidden culture of relational aggression, otherwise known as girl bullying. It tells the story of Monica and Katie—two girls who have been friends since Kindergarten, but who now are facing a rift in their relationship, as Katie begins to exclude and embarrass her former friend in front of their other classmates. In tackling this painful subject of the ways in which some girls use relationships as weapons, Ludwig provides an accurate and not-often-addressed portrait of a young girl’s anguish at the hands of a frenemy. My Secret Bully is not a light-hearted portrayal of bullying, nor does it offer pat answers. But it does address an important issue in the lives of upper elementary and middle school-aged girls and can serve as a great springboard for discussions with parents.
For more information, suggested resources, and additional discussion ideas, please visit the No Name-Calling Week website.
This blog article was first posted on 3 P's in a Pod on 1/13/11.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
A Game Changer for Cyberbullies
Check out this story featured on The Today Show:
I happened to be watching this morning during the chaos of getting my daughters ready for school. We all put down our breakfast spoons to listen to what Ally had to say and to hear how she responded with courage and strength to this painful and public humiliation. Nothing my girls will learn in school today will compare with this great, real-life example of taking time to feel your feelings and then using them to propel you to action. In Ally's case, she did exactly what all the bullying experts advise--she took action quickly and courageously and stood up for herself in an assertive way. Reporter Jeff Rosen calls her courage a game changer--I can only hope that both those who cowardly bully others and those who bravely stand up to mean kids will hear her experience and be moved by it.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/40565123#40565123
A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community. The next time you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fashion-forward pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.
I happened to be watching this morning during the chaos of getting my daughters ready for school. We all put down our breakfast spoons to listen to what Ally had to say and to hear how she responded with courage and strength to this painful and public humiliation. Nothing my girls will learn in school today will compare with this great, real-life example of taking time to feel your feelings and then using them to propel you to action. In Ally's case, she did exactly what all the bullying experts advise--she took action quickly and courageously and stood up for herself in an assertive way. Reporter Jeff Rosen calls her courage a game changer--I can only hope that both those who cowardly bully others and those who bravely stand up to mean kids will hear her experience and be moved by it.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/40565123#40565123
A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community. The next time you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fashion-forward pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Using Art Therapy to Address Bullying
Starr Commonwealth is a National Training Site for the LSCI Institute, which is how I happened to come across this great Blog posting from Starr's National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children (TLC). Cathy Malchiodi, Phd, LPCC, CPAT is a TLC Trainer and author of several books, chapters, and articles in the field of art therapy. She writes this post to talk about using art therapy--and in particular collage--to help victims of bullying explore feelings of power and powerlessness. In the activity she describes here, kids are encouraged to think about increasing their personal power when facing bullies:
http://tlcinstitute.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/using-art-therapy-to-address-bullying/
My Baby Clothes Boutique has partnered with me to provide articles to the parenting community. Check out their site the next time you need adorable baby clothes, photo perfect baby headbands, or even just a warm baby hat for winter. They have it all!
http://tlcinstitute.wordpress.com/2010/11/28/using-art-therapy-to-address-bullying/
My Baby Clothes Boutique has partnered with me to provide articles to the parenting community. Check out their site the next time you need adorable baby clothes, photo perfect baby headbands, or even just a warm baby hat for winter. They have it all!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Being a Champion for Your Child
Has it ever happened to you that just when a heartfelt issue is going on in your own life, it keeps coming up in other places as well? Last week, I wrote about a lightbulb moment I had as far as role modeling social inclusion when planning my daughter's birthday party (see blog post below) and this week, the same issue is dealt with on NBC's Parenthood and ABC's The Middle.
I haven't been able to get The Middle Clip yet, in which Mike Heck explains to the father of a Queen Bee teenage girl (who is excluding his daughter, Sue, from a sleepover party) why it is a parent's job to teach kids that excluding others is not OK. Have you seen it? I think I may actually have been cheering aloud. Not that the father of the Mean Girl actually seemed to learn anything...but watching Mike be a champion for his daughter was so great!
On this week's episode of Parenthood, Christina uses every bit of strength, assertiveness, and heart she has to champion Max's inclusion in a classmate's party:
Love it!
Have you ever done something like this to be a champion for your child? You win some, you lose some--in these two episodes, Mike seemed to make no impact, though Christina did. That's how it goes in real life, as well as in Hollywood. But I love that the issue of social inclusion is being raised on prime-time TV and that the simplest, most basic tradition of a child's party is highlighted as the starting point for parents teaching kids that leaving others out is NOT okay.
A designer baby clothes boutique is partnering with me to reach out to the parents in their community. This season, as you do your holiday shopping for friends and family with young kids, please check them out for their great selection of unique headbands, infant hats and baby tutus.
I haven't been able to get The Middle Clip yet, in which Mike Heck explains to the father of a Queen Bee teenage girl (who is excluding his daughter, Sue, from a sleepover party) why it is a parent's job to teach kids that excluding others is not OK. Have you seen it? I think I may actually have been cheering aloud. Not that the father of the Mean Girl actually seemed to learn anything...but watching Mike be a champion for his daughter was so great!
On this week's episode of Parenthood, Christina uses every bit of strength, assertiveness, and heart she has to champion Max's inclusion in a classmate's party:
Love it!
Have you ever done something like this to be a champion for your child? You win some, you lose some--in these two episodes, Mike seemed to make no impact, though Christina did. That's how it goes in real life, as well as in Hollywood. But I love that the issue of social inclusion is being raised on prime-time TV and that the simplest, most basic tradition of a child's party is highlighted as the starting point for parents teaching kids that leaving others out is NOT okay.
A designer baby clothes boutique is partnering with me to reach out to the parents in their community. This season, as you do your holiday shopping for friends and family with young kids, please check them out for their great selection of unique headbands, infant hats and baby tutus.
When did Kids' Birthday Parties Become so Complicated? Role Modeling Social Inclusion
To invite or not to invite: that is no longer the question for me. I had a lightbulb moment this week, in the midst of nine (I exaggerate not!) birthday party invitations for the month of November. As I plan my own daughter’s birthday party for December, the Mama-Drama of one of this month’s nine events has helped me to see kid’s invitation-only events in a whole new—and I believe enlightened—way.
So, here’s the background: my 4-year old wants to have her birthday party at a local craft store (love it!). According to the store’s rules, the guest limit is 10. As a chronic rule-follower, I began planning the guest list by the letter of the law. The initial “draft” list included my daughter’s two best girlfriends from her class, along with a host of other neighborhood and family friends. I instructed my daughter not to talk about the party in school, since the craft store’s policy did not allow extra invites. She understood and agreed. Done. Simple. I thought.
Then, a good friend of mine confided in me her hurt that her daughter had been excluded from a different party—one amongst an elementary-school group of girls. This movie-party appeared to have a small guest list as well. In our conversation, we could only speculate that the theatre had party size-limits or that the parents didn’t have enough room in their cars to drive additional girls to the theatre. Despite the mind-reading and rationalization, it left my friend—and her daughter, more importantly—feeling raw.
Flash back to my party planning. I had made my list and I had checked it twice. And then it occurred to me how very not-nice it would be for me to exclude any of the girls from my daughter’s class, lest I become “that mom.”
Now—another sidebar:
I do a lot of writing about relational aggression (aka: bullying) and I observe my fair share of it as the mother of two young kids. My mom-friends and I often wonder aloud: How do kids even learn to be so mean at such a young age? and Where do kids learn about leaving each other out? My pat answer is often that mean kids come from mean parents.
And then it smacked me in the face. Many mean kids do pattern their behaviors after mean parents. Others, however, learn about calculated social exclusion from their parent’s very best intentions. My birthday party list started ringing a bell—and I did not like the sound of it.
The guest list I was creating was borne out of necessity--I thought. My birthday girl deserved to pick her party place and I was just following that place’s rules. I know plenty of other moms who have abided by size-limits or chosen to keep guest lists limited so as to keep prices down. In fact, I do not know of any moms who wrote their child’s guest list with the intention of excluding a particular child. Nonetheless, in our efforts to make a party work—financially, size-wise, or whatever—we have all role-modeled a pattern of social exclusion.
My conscience literally couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to do to the other three little girls in my daughter’s class what this other probably well-intentioned mom had done. I called the craft store, fully prepared to cancel the party and lose my deposit or offer to pay more for the three additional guests. As it turns out, I summarized what I needed and why (that I was not willing to hurt any of the girl classmates) and the party place told me they would make an exception to their policy. Hurray!
For the craft store, it was good business, of course, but for me, I feel like I grew. For too many birthday parties, I had been stuck in the follow-the-rules mindset and risked inflicting an unintentional, but painful wound on the kids I excluded. I made myself feel better by reminding myself of “the size limit” or “the additional cost” but what I know now is that those pale in comparison to teaching my daughters that it is never okay to exclude and that it’s important to go the extra mile to make everyone feel included. My daughter is quickly getting older and I am finally getting wiser.
A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community. As you begin your holiday shopping, please check out their website for a great selection of unique headbands, baby hats, and trendy tutus and pettiskirts.
So, here’s the background: my 4-year old wants to have her birthday party at a local craft store (love it!). According to the store’s rules, the guest limit is 10. As a chronic rule-follower, I began planning the guest list by the letter of the law. The initial “draft” list included my daughter’s two best girlfriends from her class, along with a host of other neighborhood and family friends. I instructed my daughter not to talk about the party in school, since the craft store’s policy did not allow extra invites. She understood and agreed. Done. Simple. I thought.
Then, a good friend of mine confided in me her hurt that her daughter had been excluded from a different party—one amongst an elementary-school group of girls. This movie-party appeared to have a small guest list as well. In our conversation, we could only speculate that the theatre had party size-limits or that the parents didn’t have enough room in their cars to drive additional girls to the theatre. Despite the mind-reading and rationalization, it left my friend—and her daughter, more importantly—feeling raw.
Flash back to my party planning. I had made my list and I had checked it twice. And then it occurred to me how very not-nice it would be for me to exclude any of the girls from my daughter’s class, lest I become “that mom.”
Now—another sidebar:
I do a lot of writing about relational aggression (aka: bullying) and I observe my fair share of it as the mother of two young kids. My mom-friends and I often wonder aloud: How do kids even learn to be so mean at such a young age? and Where do kids learn about leaving each other out? My pat answer is often that mean kids come from mean parents.
And then it smacked me in the face. Many mean kids do pattern their behaviors after mean parents. Others, however, learn about calculated social exclusion from their parent’s very best intentions. My birthday party list started ringing a bell—and I did not like the sound of it.
The guest list I was creating was borne out of necessity--I thought. My birthday girl deserved to pick her party place and I was just following that place’s rules. I know plenty of other moms who have abided by size-limits or chosen to keep guest lists limited so as to keep prices down. In fact, I do not know of any moms who wrote their child’s guest list with the intention of excluding a particular child. Nonetheless, in our efforts to make a party work—financially, size-wise, or whatever—we have all role-modeled a pattern of social exclusion.
My conscience literally couldn’t bear it. I didn’t want to do to the other three little girls in my daughter’s class what this other probably well-intentioned mom had done. I called the craft store, fully prepared to cancel the party and lose my deposit or offer to pay more for the three additional guests. As it turns out, I summarized what I needed and why (that I was not willing to hurt any of the girl classmates) and the party place told me they would make an exception to their policy. Hurray!
For the craft store, it was good business, of course, but for me, I feel like I grew. For too many birthday parties, I had been stuck in the follow-the-rules mindset and risked inflicting an unintentional, but painful wound on the kids I excluded. I made myself feel better by reminding myself of “the size limit” or “the additional cost” but what I know now is that those pale in comparison to teaching my daughters that it is never okay to exclude and that it’s important to go the extra mile to make everyone feel included. My daughter is quickly getting older and I am finally getting wiser.
A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community. As you begin your holiday shopping, please check out their website for a great selection of unique headbands, baby hats, and trendy tutus and pettiskirts.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Sticks and Stones: Anderson Cooper on Bullying and the Power of Words
When I was a child, most adults had this automatic answer to reports from kids about name-calling and teasing: Stick and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you. We've learned a lot about the painful impact of bullying in recent years and this clip from Anderson Cooper, in an interview on the Ellen DeGeneres show, reveals how words can truly devastate:
I heard my daughter explain to a peer the other day, "Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful what you say." I couldn't have said it better myself.
My Baby Clothes Boutique is an online retailer of unique baby clothes. They have partnered with me to provide articles as a service to their parenting community. If you are in the market for newborn hats, infant headbands, or baby tutus, please check them out!
I heard my daughter explain to a peer the other day, "Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful what you say." I couldn't have said it better myself.
My Baby Clothes Boutique is an online retailer of unique baby clothes. They have partnered with me to provide articles as a service to their parenting community. If you are in the market for newborn hats, infant headbands, or baby tutus, please check them out!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Jenny McCarthy Proves the Bullies Wrong - The Ellen DeGeneres Show#comments#comments#comments
Jenny McCarthy Proves the Bullies Wrong - The Ellen DeGeneres Show#comments#comments#comments
Here is another timely clip on the subject of why kids feel like they can't talk about bullying. Watch Ellen's interview on 10/5/10 with Jenny McCarthy, as Jenny talks about why she never told her mom about the bullying she endured for years.
This is a great clip to share with kids, not only to teach them about the importance of talking to a trustworthy adult about bullying (see blog post below for specific steps on how to do so) but also teaching kids to take a "long view," when it comes to bullying.
It is important for kids to know that although the bullying that occurs in the moment is intense and overwhelming, it is also temporary and fleeting. Both McCarthy and Ellen's next guest, The Social Network actor Armie Hammer, explain why living for the future, instead of "in the moment" is one of the best ways to endure and overcome the painful impact of bullying. See Armie's clip here:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2010/10/armie_hammer_bullying_1005.php?adid=widget_armie_hammer_bullying_1005
Here is another timely clip on the subject of why kids feel like they can't talk about bullying. Watch Ellen's interview on 10/5/10 with Jenny McCarthy, as Jenny talks about why she never told her mom about the bullying she endured for years.
This is a great clip to share with kids, not only to teach them about the importance of talking to a trustworthy adult about bullying (see blog post below for specific steps on how to do so) but also teaching kids to take a "long view," when it comes to bullying.
It is important for kids to know that although the bullying that occurs in the moment is intense and overwhelming, it is also temporary and fleeting. Both McCarthy and Ellen's next guest, The Social Network actor Armie Hammer, explain why living for the future, instead of "in the moment" is one of the best ways to endure and overcome the painful impact of bullying. See Armie's clip here:
http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2010/10/armie_hammer_bullying_1005.php?adid=widget_armie_hammer_bullying_1005
Encouraging Your Child to Talk About Bullying
On September 3rd, bus-cam video was featured on all of the TV news channels, framing the story of a father who stormed his 12-year old daughter’s school bus and went off on a curse-laden tirade against the youngsters who were accused of bullying his child. With a little media spin and a lot of repetition of a context-free video clip, James Jones looked like a hot-head. Indeed, the had-it-up-to-here dad had exceeded his limit of tolerance for the out-of-control verbal and physical abuse his daughter, Chatari Jones, had been experiencing on the bus. Admittedly, his response was not ideal.
But there was something powerful about watching Jones, interviewed along with his wife and daughter on NBC’s The Today Show, that revealed the complexity of emotion behind Jones’ unsophisticated rant:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/39497160#39497160
There is so much I want to say about this news story—and so much that has already been written about the epidemic of bullying amongst today’s young people. What struck me perhaps the most, however, was this young victim’s delay in telling her parents about the abuse. Chatari Jones explained to Matt Lauer that at first, she didn’t tell her parents about kids on the bus who smacked her on the head, twisted her ear, and shouted rude comments at her, because she was worried about being called a “tattletale” and fearful that the bullying would worsen.
Like Chatari, most young people hesitate to tell adults about physical violence, threats of harm, rumor-spreading, or any of the behaviors that fall along the painful continuum of bullying. How can you help make sure that your child talks with you promptly about incidents of bullying?
Create Awareness in Kids
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bullies victimize others in order to gain power and control. They typically select targets who are unlikely or unable to fight back.
From an early age, make sure that your son or daughter recognizes bully behavior in all of its various forms. Bullying includes overt physical actions like hitting and kicking along with “relational aggression” in the forms of social exclusion and public humiliation (including the publicly broadcast video of a private sexual encounter that contributed to the recent suicide of a promising young man at Rutgers University.)
Create Awareness in Adults
Encourage your child to tell trustworthy adults about any instances of bully behavior, either in his own life or that he sees occurring with a peer. Sometimes kids feel like adults never do anything—so why even bother to tell them? Though some parents, teachers, or other adults may fail to recognize the seriousness a bullying situation, more often, grown-ups are unaware of harassment on the bus, locker-room taunts, cafeteria exclusions, and cyber-bullying. Make sure your child knows that it is his job to create awareness.
Telling vs. Tattling
Does your child worry that if he “tattles,” the bullying will worsen? Help him to realize that this is exactly what the bully wants him to think! Isolation is how the bully operates. It is only by telling an adult that your child can end the isolation that the bully has begun.
Be clear in teaching your child that telling an adult about bullying is not a mark of cowardice, but rather a bold, powerful move. When the bully realizes that his intended victim is brave enough to connect with others, he loses his stronghold.
Act Quickly
The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. Oftentimes, bullying begins in a relatively mild form—name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression. After the bully has tested the waters and confirmed that a victim is not going to fight back, the aggression worsens. Name calling becomes public humiliation. Teasing grows into group ostracism. Pushing and shoving escalates to punches and assault.
Teach your child that when he lets bullying behavior go on unchecked, he lets his power slip away steadily. Taking action against the bully—and taking it sooner rather than later—is the best way to re-balance the power dynamic.
A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community. The next time you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fashion-forward pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.
But there was something powerful about watching Jones, interviewed along with his wife and daughter on NBC’s The Today Show, that revealed the complexity of emotion behind Jones’ unsophisticated rant:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/39497160#39497160
There is so much I want to say about this news story—and so much that has already been written about the epidemic of bullying amongst today’s young people. What struck me perhaps the most, however, was this young victim’s delay in telling her parents about the abuse. Chatari Jones explained to Matt Lauer that at first, she didn’t tell her parents about kids on the bus who smacked her on the head, twisted her ear, and shouted rude comments at her, because she was worried about being called a “tattletale” and fearful that the bullying would worsen.
Like Chatari, most young people hesitate to tell adults about physical violence, threats of harm, rumor-spreading, or any of the behaviors that fall along the painful continuum of bullying. How can you help make sure that your child talks with you promptly about incidents of bullying?
Create Awareness in Kids
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bullies victimize others in order to gain power and control. They typically select targets who are unlikely or unable to fight back.
From an early age, make sure that your son or daughter recognizes bully behavior in all of its various forms. Bullying includes overt physical actions like hitting and kicking along with “relational aggression” in the forms of social exclusion and public humiliation (including the publicly broadcast video of a private sexual encounter that contributed to the recent suicide of a promising young man at Rutgers University.)
Create Awareness in Adults
Encourage your child to tell trustworthy adults about any instances of bully behavior, either in his own life or that he sees occurring with a peer. Sometimes kids feel like adults never do anything—so why even bother to tell them? Though some parents, teachers, or other adults may fail to recognize the seriousness a bullying situation, more often, grown-ups are unaware of harassment on the bus, locker-room taunts, cafeteria exclusions, and cyber-bullying. Make sure your child knows that it is his job to create awareness.
Telling vs. Tattling
Does your child worry that if he “tattles,” the bullying will worsen? Help him to realize that this is exactly what the bully wants him to think! Isolation is how the bully operates. It is only by telling an adult that your child can end the isolation that the bully has begun.
Be clear in teaching your child that telling an adult about bullying is not a mark of cowardice, but rather a bold, powerful move. When the bully realizes that his intended victim is brave enough to connect with others, he loses his stronghold.
Act Quickly
The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. Oftentimes, bullying begins in a relatively mild form—name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression. After the bully has tested the waters and confirmed that a victim is not going to fight back, the aggression worsens. Name calling becomes public humiliation. Teasing grows into group ostracism. Pushing and shoving escalates to punches and assault.
Teach your child that when he lets bullying behavior go on unchecked, he lets his power slip away steadily. Taking action against the bully—and taking it sooner rather than later—is the best way to re-balance the power dynamic.
A designer clothes boutique has partnered with me to help bring articles about parenting, bullying, and anger-expression styles to their community. The next time you are in the market for trendy baby clothing, including unique headbands, baby hats, and fashion-forward pettiskirts and tutus for little ones, please check them out.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sticks and Stones: A Little Girl’s First Experience with Bullying
My daughter had her first heartbreak at the tender age of four. During the first week of her preschool class, she met a little girl named Nikki and, as so charmingly happens at that age, the two became best friends within an instant. The girls bonded over their love of Disney’s High School Musical and anything to do with singing and dancing. They quickly became a package deal inside and out of the classroom, arranging lunchdates afterschool and playdates when school was not in session.
Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.
In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.
When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.
Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.
In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.
In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.
The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.
The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces
Every morning as she was getting dressed for school, my daughter would say “I want to wear my pettiskirt and leggings today. Nikki says they are the new thing!” or “Nikki is wearing her daisy headband today. I want to wear mine!” Over the course of several weeks, all I heard was, “Nikki says this” and “Nikki likes that” and “Nikki told me I should do such and such.” I must admit I was a bit swept up in Nikki-fever as well, enjoying how much pleasure my daughter was taking from the friendship. Until the day it all ended.
On a brisk October day, my daughter experienced the cold, harshness of relational aggression—better known as bullying. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, bullying occurs when a person or group repeatedly tries to harm someone who is weaker. Bully behavior takes many forms, from hitting, name calling, and teasing to social exclusion and rumor-spreading. These latter forms are termed relational aggression because of the way interpersonal relationships, most often among girls, are manipulated to settle grudges.
In my daughter’s case, relational aggression felt like a break-up…or more like getting dumped. The first incident I noticed, from my vantage point in the school hallway where parents wait to pick kids up from class, was Nikki shoving my daughter off of a chair then stealing her hat. Heart in my throat and claws ready to scratch, I calmed as I watched their teacher walk over quickly. I could hear Nikki explain, “We were just playing,” which seemed to satisfy the teacher, especially at the end of the school day.
When I asked my daughter about what I saw, she seemed unhurt by the fall, but deeply pained by Nikki’s reported words from earlier in class that same day: “You’re not my best friend anymore.” Sting. The look in my daughter’s eyes hurt me more than I ever remember being hurt by any mean girl bully from my own youth. “What did your teacher say?” I asked. “She didn’t hear Nikki say it,” my daughter explained. For those keeping score, that’s Nikki 2, Teacher 0.
Relational aggression tends to occur under the radar of adult awareness. As a form of passive aggressive behavior, the kids who behave this way know how to mask their inner hostility with an outward smile. If questioned by an authority figure, they create plausible excuses for their behavior (e.g. “It was just a game,” or “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?”) Relational aggression is carried out by kids who are cunning enough to behave in ways that are socially appropriate on the surface but searingly painful behind the scenes.
In older kids, social networking sites are a prime arena for relational aggression. 24/7 access to MySpace, Twitter, texting, and instant messaging gives bullies constant access and widespread audiences for spreading rumors, causing humiliation and, when necessary, innocently denying that they ever meant any harm.
In younger children, excluding phrases like, “You’re not my best friend anymore,” and “Only girls with long hair can sit here” are spoken quietly, with an angry smile, right under a teacher’s watchful nose.
The night after “the Nikki incidents,” I heard my daughter crying in her room. When I went to ask her what was wrong, she asked me in return, “Mama, how can I change to make Nikki like me again?” This occurred years ago now, and I tell you I still get tears in my eyes recalling the night. For anyone who says the problems of kids are insignificant, I assure you that the pain caused by bullying at any age is soul-crushing.
The good news is that children are resilient and can move on. The valuable thing my daughter took from having her heart broken by a “friend” so early on is that now, she is really good about picking genuinely nice kids to hang around with and she’s the first one at a friend’s side when they are being picked on or feeling down. I heard her explain to a peer the other day, “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can really hurt too, so be careful about what you say.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces
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